MAN. why is it that when i have such an amazing day.. there always somethign to kick me in the balls ): FML! FOREAL. i guess reading angelas note in the beginning of the year was something i needed.. like really? am i that stupid? i've been moving away from friends that wanted to be my friends after all that shit that happened to me in elemtary school.. in which will not be said.. i dont even feel like its worth tryna chill w/ em anymore, i've been too gone its like they've got their shit to do, they have people now i dont even kno, and so i think.. should i even intercept in their lives once again, then again i might screw up and make them feel abandoned like the beginning of the year? or should i stay myself and see life play out, let them be them.. iuno they seem pretty happy at this point, no need for me.. ah fuck me.. the day i went to joan.. the one thing that fucked me up the most was when i was in the dance room, and i looked at angela and she looked at me n had this faint smile, i asked her "what?" and she said "nothing" but smiled, and im not as stupid as it seems, i clearly have hurtedded her by leaving .. and just being so close with her, and she acutally was one of the people in my life that i could say has clearly changed my life, including jezer, jayare, etc., it actually was a look that killed me .. i dont know what to do with myself anymore. when i left joan, i thought that since i'm gonna be away for a while i could just figure myself out cause i was a clueless fuck already, and i didn't expect myself to do shit i told myself i'd never do.. i never expected myself to make the closest people in the world feel like shit. i never expected myself to end up falling inlove and all that next ish. thinking back.. all this was a surprise attack and i thought i figured it out, i was able to stay stable in a relationship that changed me to be better.. but theres still so much more i still need to do to make my life more stable..
my post before i wrote that stuff above:
uh well.. this week has been.. up and down, man today was too crazy though, SCIENCE CENTRE, but i didn't fly with unicorns before it.. instead i was just GONE. it was too beautiful. sorta like the reason why im so small.. im so weak to it that i dont need to consume so much and i dont have to taste it. THATS the upside of it.. the downside is that people make fun of you ): well anyhow .. science was funny.. so my group ended up splitting into two.. it wasn't a big deal though cause we had more people then we were pose to.. bridgette got sick ): but everyone knew why LOL.. mm.. and we all just loafted and scoped.. too much embarrasing stuff happened to me ): .. really?? the time where guys decide to look at me, i end up looking clueless and having people laugh at me .. i am hopeless with boys, not that im looking for any, reason why i get clueless around them now.. i guess thats just a sign that definitly should stay by my baby's side, IN WHICH I DO NOT MIND AT ALL.. but yeah .. seeing paint on my table is really making me feel like i gotta do something.. so i'm gonna go into my creative state of mind, and play with them paints i havn't used in a WHILE; if it acutally looks good, i'll MAYBE post it. too shy with my work..